How is this for song lyrics?

all welcome the great pretender


those loyal will lie down to serve our wheels


paint the city gates red with the blood


of all those who refuse to kneel.


we come hastily cleansed in bleach


sheaths taken off our silver tongues


you do not know what to seek


so how do you know what is best for your young?


you are prepared for eternal war


yet the city collapses on and on


lead your people out of certain death


and into babylon.

How is this for song lyrics?
Too many mixed metaphors create a logic problem - and why the 'great' pretender? Also 'hastily cleansed' - weak but 'in bleach' - yowch! Again, logic problem.





Otherwise, pretty strong stuff.
Reply:i came up with a tune for it in my head like instantly it wuz a very upbeat fast pace tune


if u could come up with that it could probly be a pretty cool song


i totally dig the lyricz...try it!
Reply:I cant figure how to fit a tune around this, it is like one of those psalms the protestants try to set to music.





Its a good prose speech but Poem or Lyrics no